1)A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
2)Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
3)A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
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